2010 experiences

I have been reflecting over the last year.  I have gone through so much, what I call shit, stuff.  It has been one uphill battle after another.  I have made it through all of them with the help of my friends, family and by the grace of god.  When I lose faith, I used others for it.  I have become isolated through all of it.  Full of fear of it becoming worse.  Reluctant to help others out or even give a shit about others.  I have become so isolated for whatever the reasons, that I have lost a few good close relationships too.  One most important one is my relationship with my daughter Ashley.  I know all of this I am facing is a direct result of my actions and I am the only one to blame, but it is still fucking hard as hell to face alone.  When this all began and my girls were taken out of my home, a piece of me died and my fight lost.  I am now at a point where I considering to fight again, finding my faith and believing in a god and socializing more.  BUT, I don't get to see my older girls enough.  And I hardly ever see my grandbaby, Taylenn.  I feel deserted and lost.  I finally get the strength to get up and fight for my life back but I still struggle with the "wtf for".  I use to say for my kids.  But they don't seem to need me as much anymore now they are older.  I do have Payton but that is another story.  I dont feel she has much love or faith in me.  She is the first to quickly wrongfully judge me.  It hurts but I guess I deserve it.  Anyway, I currently I wonder why I stick around this hell hole.  I know my girls love me and it would kill them for me to die so I continue on fighting for a life I am not happy in.  It gets harder by the day.  I know many are disappointed in me, as I am disappointed more, just know, I keep fighting for yall and trying to better my life for yall.  If yall can't be satisfied then please tell me cuz what's the point then.

Believing there is hope

I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around

And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well I wanted something better, man
I wished for something new
Yeah, I wanted something beautiful
I wished for something true
Been lookin' for a reason, man
Something to lose

When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down

Know your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin' to an end

Wheels

Believing

Believe in yourself and the rest will follow.  Conquer your fears and you will have a clear path to success.  Life is an endless growing experience. Having faith and believing in yourself will take you far then you will become strong enough to beat the game of life. 

Gods work

I actually prayed, seriously prayed, for God's help last night.  This morning I woke to a miracle.  I was in so much fear and God stepped in and took care of me.  Thank you god, I am grateful.