2010 experiences

I have been reflecting over the last year.  I have gone through so much, what I call shit, stuff.  It has been one uphill battle after another.  I have made it through all of them with the help of my friends, family and by the grace of god.  When I lose faith, I used others for it.  I have become isolated through all of it.  Full of fear of it becoming worse.  Reluctant to help others out or even give a shit about others.  I have become so isolated for whatever the reasons, that I have lost a few good close relationships too.  One most important one is my relationship with my daughter Ashley.  I know all of this I am facing is a direct result of my actions and I am the only one to blame, but it is still fucking hard as hell to face alone.  When this all began and my girls were taken out of my home, a piece of me died and my fight lost.  I am now at a point where I considering to fight again, finding my faith and believing in a god and socializing more.  BUT, I don't get to see my older girls enough.  And I hardly ever see my grandbaby, Taylenn.  I feel deserted and lost.  I finally get the strength to get up and fight for my life back but I still struggle with the "wtf for".  I use to say for my kids.  But they don't seem to need me as much anymore now they are older.  I do have Payton but that is another story.  I dont feel she has much love or faith in me.  She is the first to quickly wrongfully judge me.  It hurts but I guess I deserve it.  Anyway, I currently I wonder why I stick around this hell hole.  I know my girls love me and it would kill them for me to die so I continue on fighting for a life I am not happy in.  It gets harder by the day.  I know many are disappointed in me, as I am disappointed more, just know, I keep fighting for yall and trying to better my life for yall.  If yall can't be satisfied then please tell me cuz what's the point then.